Damn it! You’re supposed to be extinct!

The Resident Evil series is one of my favorite games in the survival horror genre, the puzzle solving, the feeling of dread when you here those wet footsteps, the epic boss battles and the awesomely cheesy dialogue. I am even a fan of 4 and 5 as they started stepping into the action horror genre, giving you a faster pace and finally a breather from rather large complexes/mansions.

Wait. What do you mean by "tentacle rape"

The films however are a different story. In 2002 the first film came out, to tell you the truth I didn’t mind it that much. My only gripe was well…. the name. Why say it is “Resident Evil” when the film was nothing like the games at all, it just seemed like a generic zombie film, No Arklay mansion, no Tyrant, no overall feeling of dread. Hell change the name of the umbrella company in the film, slap on a different title and bam new movie but still as I said not an overall bad movie. The sequels however very much took a turn for the worse, the main character got turned into the biggest Mary Sue I have ever encounter and I have read a couple of 16 year old girls fanfics (the Twilight series included). Gone was any suspense from the film because well, Alice just does what she damn likes. Fighting a Shit-ton of zombies armed with only a stick? Alice will win. 7 foot tall genetically engineered killing machine? Alice will win. The entire world’s army breathing down her neck. Alice will win. Alice hogs all the screen time for the movies, even veterans to the game series like Claire or Jill seem to only exist to be Alice’s cheersquad and Alice was not even in the fucking game! However after the last film “extinction” was released I had heard nothing about another sequel and there was much rejoicing and much celebration.

..And then she does a backflip and then she shoots lasers out of her eyes and then everyone swoons over how pretty she is and then and then...

However I came across this trailer the other day.

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I don’t even know where to flippin’ start. Damn it let us start with the title first “Afterlife” are you shitting me? Other then choosing another nonsensical title, afterlife has to be one of the most overused sub-title, although I don’t know why I expected better after the stunning displays of originality of the last two films. Seriously why stop at Afterlife? I know we could call it “resurrection” or maybe “Requiem”, actually lets just cut the act and use the most cliche title “revenge”. Okay now that I have got that out of the way lets look at the rest of the trailer.

They weren't killed by throwing my glasses at them? Inconceivable!

Dear god and I thought I had issues with an unoriginal title. Seriously if I didn’t go and check the IMDB page for this movie I would of thought that this trailer was a well done spoof trailer. We have Katanas, shuriken, slow-mo shots, wall climbing, running and gunning, jumping out of windows, jumping through the air while firing one gun, jumping through the air while firing two guns. It is as if the makers of the film really don’t want to make another one of these films but the company is forcing them to make it just so they can squeeze the last little beads of milk out of the nipple. So to make sure the film bombs and they never have to make another one they are trying to make the most cliche, assanine, cheesiest film ever made. To make matters worse it proudly boasts how they are getting to use the same 3-D technology that was used in Avatar, something that many of the other newer and more deserving 3-D films have had to miss out on and they are using it on this cinematic abomination?! I have no idea what the execs were thinking with that move but I think it involved a lot of that fine Peruvian fishscale.

*sniff* Oh baby we are going to need a whole lot more then that.

Also what the hell is with the city still being slightly normal looking? Like don’t get me wrong Hollywood looks really fucked up but in the last film they made up some bullshit that the virus could somehow wipe out everything on earth plus dry up lakes and pretty much turn the world into something out of The Road Warrior (protip: viruses don’t work this way) and yet in Hollywood there still seems to be trees and lakes. Movie if you want to make up ridiculous plot points at least have the balls to stick with them. Also Umbrella seems to have way too many guards for a world where apparently everyone is mostly dead. Ah yes actually why don’t we discuss the cast shown so far.

Wesker, you're pitiful.

Shown so far is the series regular demigod Alice, as well as her girl wonder Claire Redfield. I find this strange seeming Claire proved to be pretty useless in the last film so why would Alice want to bring her along, she is  made even more redundant when the last film showed that apparently Alice was going to take the fight with Umbrella with hundreds of her clones. Also what ever happened to Jill Valentine? She was in the sequel and at the end of the film looked like she was going to join the fight against Umbrella with Alice and then by the time Extinction rocks up she is nowhere to be seen, there isn’t even a passing mention of her and she actually seemed to be somewhat competent, well unless till God-mode Sue arrived. Video game regular Chris Redfield is also making an appearance for this film and it will be interesting to see exactly how far removed he is from his game counterpart. Last but not least is Albert Wesker the games main antagonist and frankly I don’t even know what to expect from him, I see that they are not using the same actor from the last film which I really don’t mind seeming all he did was appear as a hologram to talk to Umbrella staff. They seem to be borrowing heavily from his RE5 design, hell he is even doing the same throw the glasses as a distraction routine he did in that game (which was retarded then too), if he will have his boosted strength and speed on the film I guess we will have to wait to see.

So that is my thoughts on the upcoming RE film, hopefully this bombs and we can see an end to this franchise or at least Paul Anderson from directing and writing these films (on a side note Milla Jocovich and Paul met on the set of the first film and were married by the second. This actually sort of explains her sudden ascending to a Mary Sue but I don’t know if it explains why she has quite a few nude scenes in the films). Actually I am not one to advocate reboots and remakes but a remake to this franchise that would actually follow the games could actually be pretty sweet. Any who what does everyone else think about the upcoming film? Or the series in general? Drop and comment and give your two cents.

I’m in the bad movie bashing business and cousin, business is a-booming.

The Reviewing Basterd

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